Nearly 60% of people say the cost-of-living crisis has negatively impacted upon their relationship – with 30% admitting they are only staying with their partner because they fear “not being able to afford living alone”, according to a survey.
Due to the rising costs of food, utility bills, interest rates, rents, and mortgages, it is no longer realistic for many couples to create two households from one. Consequently, couples who previously would have chosen to move out or divorce, are now living together but separately under the same roof due to financial uncertainty and the fear of not being able to support themselves alone. There is also the cost of legal advice and the affordability of the divorce itself.
Is it possible to be separated but still live together?
It is not necessary to live in two separate properties to be separated. This situation is not uncommon and many couples choose to continue living in the same house for various reasons. These could include financial concerns, the wish to maintain a stable environment for any children, or simply to avoid the upheaval of moving out.
Since the introduction of no-fault divorce, couples no longer need to demonstrate that they are living separate lives or blame one party for the breakdown of the marriage.
To be separated, but living together you must live in separate households under the same roof. To maintain separate households, you must sleep in separate bedrooms, cook, and eat your meals separately, live independent lives, and have separate financial arrangements.
How to legally separate while living together?
The best way to legally separate while living together is to record the actual terms of the separation in a Separation Agreement as evidence of the separation.
The benefits of entering into a Separation Agreement are:
- It shows that you both consider the relationship to have ended or is ending, and the date it ended.
- It provides proof that you have agreed that you do not have to live together as a couple.
- It gives you time to think before taking the important decision to divorce.
- An agreement can make separation easier for children as you are choosing to agree arrangements between yourselves rather than have legal battles.
- It is flexible – you can decide what you would like to include.
- If the couple stick to an agreement, the agreement can remove the conflict out of the breakdown of the relationship as they both know where they stand emotionally and financially.
- An agreement offers a degree of clarity and legal protection as it is a contract.
- It makes any subsequent divorce proceedings easier as arrangements have been agreed in advance.
- A court is likely to uphold a Separation Agreement if it was properly and fairly negotiated.
What are the practicalities of living together while separating?
Being separated but living together requires careful planning and clear communication to maintain a harmonious living situation. If you are thinking of separating, these are the key practicalities to consider:
Talk to your children about the arrangement.
Put the children first and make sure the children feel safe and secure. Talk to your children and tell them what is happening. Do not let them figure it out for themselves. Even young children will pick up on the fact that something has changed between you and your spouse/partner. Use age-appropriate language to explain that while you and your spouse may no longer be in a relationship, your roles as parents won’t change at all,
Most important of all – tell them they DO NOT HAVE TO WORRY.
Create a parenting schedule.
If you have children together and plan on co-parenting, you should discuss how their lives are going to be organised. This may include who is going to take them to and from school and any extracurricular activities. Also, talk about events that your children may have in the future: are you and your spouse comfortable going to those together?
It is a good idea to keep a calendar in a prominent place which tracks all the children’s activities and lists who has responsibility for what.
Build and respect each other’s boundaries.
It is necessary to build boundaries, so issues do not get blurred or confused. People need physical and breathing space so that they can really think through their options.
This includes not having sexual relations with each other. Having sexual relations with your spouse/partner after you have made the decision to separate only confuses the situation and can lead to hurt feelings and acrimony.
If you are already in a new relationship, it is usually a good idea to keep communication with your new partner discreet and private.
Discuss how new partners or relationships should be handled.
Bringing a new person into the home you still share with your ex-spouse/partner can be disrespectful to your relationship, and very confusing for any children as well.
It is wise to discuss how this situation should be handled.
Sleep in separate rooms.
This might mean someone using the guest room or converting an office space into a bedroom. The important thing is that you both have your own separate, private places to go to.
Divide up household chores.
Decide who is going to take over which household chores. Sit down and write out a list of responsibilities and agree who will take over what.
Agree about mealtimes.
Are you both comfortable eating together, or would you rather stagger mealtimes?
Separate your finances.
Divide up monthly expenses to see who is going to pay for what. If you have a joint account, now is a good time to close it and open separate accounts. Discuss who is going to pay for which household expenses from the separate accounts, and how any debts will be discharged.
Now is a good time to stop paying for each other’s personal items.
Try to support each other.
Although your relationship is breaking down or has broken down, remember you are both in the same boat trying to make the most of your situation. Supporting each other is crucial to get through the tough times.
Consider professional help.
Consider engaging a third party like a relationship counselling to assist you with any issues you cannot agree upon.
Discuss how you will handle social situations.
You need to discuss what you will tell friends and family about your separation. What happens if you are both invited to a social event. Do you go together, or alone?
Decide on what you and your spouse/partner are comfortable with, especially if this is a trial separation.
How can we record child arrangements when we separate?
There are various ways to record the arrangements for children when parents’ end their relationship.
Include the agreed arrangements in a Parenting Plan. A plan provides a record of the agreement that both parents can refer back to. There are various online parenting plan tools and apps such as on the CAFCASS website which can be shared with the other parent so you can both make changes to it together.
Alternatively, you could record the terms of the agreed child arrangements in a Separation Agreement.
If you attend mediation, the agreed child arrangements can be included in the Memorandum of Understanding. This is issued by the mediator at the conclusion of your mediation and will contain a summary of everything that you and your ex-partner agreed upon.
What is a family based arrangement?
A family based arrangement is a private informal agreement between parents on how they will organise and arrange child maintenance without involving a third party such as the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) or the Court.
Parents can agree on any arrangement that suits their situation, including regular payments or direct payment for specific items like school uniforms or school trips. An arrangement can also include non-financial contributions, such as childcare.
A family based arrangement is not legally enforceable, and relies on cooperation between parents. If one parent stops cooperating, either parent can seek a formal arrangement through the CMS or court.
How long should an in house separation last?
There is no minimum or maximum period that an in house separation can last. If children are involved, it would probably be better that it is a temporary rather than a long term option.
What is Living Apart Together?
Living Apart Together (LAT) is the opposite of living together but separately. It is a relationship arrangement where couples are in a committed romantic relationship but choose to live in separate homes and preserve their personal space and independence. The arrangement is distinct from traditional cohabitation or marriage, where a couple share a home.
Couples in a LAT relationship also usually maintain ownership of their own property and keep their finances separate.
The benefits of a LAT relationship can include a balance of independence and companionship, increased personal time, fewer arguments over domestic issues, and a deliberate decision to keep the relationship fresh and exciting as a couple must actively choose to spend time together.
Who has rights to the house whilst you are living together but separated?
If the house is in joint names then both parties have rights to the property during the separation. A separation will not affect how the property is held. If the house is in the name of one person only, it is worthwhile registering a Matrimonial Home Rights with the Land Registry. This will protect a non-owner’s interest in the home until it is decided how the relationship will be dealt with. Home Rights protect a party from having to leave a property where they have not been able to contribute to the property financially.
It is important to get specialist advice about your property rights and options.
Who pays the bills during a separation?
If you are still living under the same roof albeit separated, the bills should ideally be paid in the same contributions as during the marriage or civil partnership. The purpose of separating under the same roof is to preserve the status quo as much as possible and avoid any new expenses.
Should you move out when separating?
If there are safeguarding concerns for children, or there is any type of domestic abuse and/or violence, including psychological harm, you should consider your safety first and contact the Police. You should also take legal advice about excluding the abusive party from the property.
If you need to speak with someone about your partner being aggressive or abusive and you are a woman affected by domestic abuse, you can call Refuge or Women’s Aid on 0808 2000 247 at any time.
If you are a man affected by domestic abuse you can call Men’s Advice Line on 0808 801 0327 between 9am to 5pm – Monday to Friday.