What is an abusive relationship?
An abusive relationship is any relationship where one person aims to gain and maintain power and control over another in a harmful manner. Abuse can take various forms and can include physical, psychological, emotional, financial, and sexual abuse. Often multiple forms of abusive behaviour overlap and occur simultaneously.
Abuse can occur in various types of relationships, including between married couples, civil partners, cohabitees, same-sex relationships, or those who are dating.
Abuse can also occur between parents and children, siblings, extended family members, and people with disabilities and their caregivers.
Being in an abusive relationship can have severe and long-lasting effects on a person’s mental and physical health, leading to feelings of fear, isolation, and helplessness.
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship is often the same as an abusive relationship. It is characterised by negative and harmful patterns of behaviour between two people that undermine the emotional well-being and safety of one or both partners or spouses.
This can include emotional, physical, or psychological abuse, lack of respect, constant conflict, and manipulation. In a toxic relationship, one or both partners may feel trapped, unsupported, or constantly stressed.
What are some abusive behaviours in relationships?
Physical abuse
Physical abuse in a relationship is defined as the use of physical force or mistreatment by one person towards another, which may or may not cause physical injury. The aim of physical abuse is often to designed to inflict fear, injury, or suffering in the victim.
Physical abuse includes acts such as:
- Pushing, shoving, tripping, strangling, and choking.
- Punching, kicking, biting, slapping, and scratching.
- Throwing objects at the partner.
- Burning, scalding, and branding.
- Using weapons to threaten or harm.
- Force-feeding or starving.
- Preventing someone from leaving or moving freely.
- Denying access to essential treatment, support, or medication.
Who do I call if my partner hits me?
If you are the victim of domestic violence at any time – this is who you should call.
If you are in immediate danger, call the Police on 999. They can respond quickly to protect you.
Contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline at 0808 2000 247. This is a free, 24-hour helpline run in partnership with Women’s Aid and Refuge that provides confidential support and advice.
If you’re not comfortable speaking on the phone, you can use the Women’s Aid Live Chat service for online support.
For male victims, the Men’s Advice Line is available at 0808 801 0327 zero.
LGBT+ individuals can contact the Galop Helpline who offer emotional support, guidance and help to explore what options may be available to anyone aged 18+ who is experiencing or has experienced violence and abuse.
Emotional abuse.
Emotional abuse does not leave physical marks, but involves non-physical actions aimed at controlling or manipulating another person’s emotions and self-worth. The intention is to cause psychological harm.
Common signs of emotional abuse include:
- Control – This involves behaviours like preventing you from seeing friends and family, controlling your finances, and exhibiting intense jealousy.
- Verbal insults – The abuser frequently insults, or belittles the victim. They may use put-downs, name-calling, or sarcasm to make the victim feel worthless.
- Threats to harm you, your loved ones, or your property.
- Anger escalating into violence.
- Constant criticism – The abuser constantly criticises the victim’s appearance, abilities, or personality, undermining their self-esteem and confidence.
- Emotional neglect – The abuser fails to provide emotional support, affection, or validation to the victim.
- Gaslighting – Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and abuse where the perpetrator makes the victim question their own reality, perception, or memories. The gas lighter persistently presents false information to the victim, leading them to doubt their own memory, judgment, intuition, perception, and even their sanity. It is a form of emotional abuse that often occurs in abusive relationships, where the gas lighter seeks to gain power and control over the victim.
Common gaslighting phrases include:
“I really think you need to calm down.”
“Are you sure you didn’t dream/imagine that?”
“I did it for your own good”
“You’re too emotional.”
“That never happened.”
“You can’t take a joke.”
Coercive control and behaviour
Coercive control and behaviour are a form of emotional abuse. It involves a pattern of abusive behaviours aimed at dominating and controlling a partner or spouse against their will. Key signs include:
- Restricting access to money, monitoring spending, and creating financial dependence by demanding the victim account for every expense.
- Limiting freedom of movement, preventing work or education, and controlling access to transportation. The abuser will also monitor the victim’s whereabouts and communications.
- Verbally abusing the victim by using insults, criticism, belittling, and name-calling to erode confidence and self-esteem.
- Making threats against the victim, children, pets, or property, or threats to reveal personal information or secrets.
- Isolating the victim off from friends, family, and professional support networks such as doctors, lawyers, or therapists.
- Control of appearance, health, diet, clothing choices, medical care and who they communicate with.
- Minimising or denying the coercive behaviour and blaming the victim for provoking the behaviour.
Is coercive control a crime in the UK?
Coercive or controlling behaviour in an intimate or family relationship is a crime under Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015. The offence carries a maximum penalty of 5 years imprisonment.
To prove the crime, it is necessary to have evidence of repeated or continuous controlling behaviour that has a “serious effect” on the victim.
How do I prove coercive control?
To prove coercive control under the Serious Crime Act 2015, specific evidence must be gathered to demonstrate a pattern of controlling or coercive behaviour that has a serious effect on the victim.
To substantiate coercive control, the following types of evidence should be collected:
- Documentary evidence such as emails, text messages, and social media messages that demonstrate controlling behaviours or threats.
- Statements from friends, family, or colleagues who can confirm to the victim’s isolation or changes in behaviour due to the abuse.
- Medical records that reflect any physical or psychological harm resulting from the controlling behaviour.
- Phone records, including call logs and voicemails.
- Keep a diary detailing incidents of coercion or control.
- Keep a record of all the times incidents of coercive control were reported to domestic abuse organisations or the Police.
Economic abuse
Economic abuse is another form of abuse that involves the control of money, finances, and resources. Its aim is to control, and limit the victim’s independence. It is now recognised as a form of abusive behaviour alongside physical, sexual, psychological, and emotional abuse.
Signs of economic abuse include:
- Receiving threats to be financially cut off.
- Limited or no access to your own accounts.
- Being forced to hand your wages over.
- Being forced to take out money or get credit in your name.
- Having to provide explanations for your spending.
- Controlling finances: This can involve limiting a partner’s access to their own earnings, bank accounts, or credit cards.
- Work or education sabotage- Preventing a partner from working or furthering their education to maintain financial dependence.
- Financial monitoring – Constantly tracking and scrutinising every penny spent.
- Forced Debt – Taking out loans or credit cards in the partner’s name without their consent.
- Stealing money or assets – Taking money, property, or valuables without permission.
- Forcing financial dependence – Making a partner solely reliant on the abuser for all financial needs.
Technology abuse
Technology abuse refers to a form of domestic abuse where digital technology and devices are used to control, intimidate, coerce, threaten, or harm an individual. Perpetrators of tech abuse may use technology to stalk, monitor, and exert control over their victims, often as part of a pattern of controlling behaviour. Examples of tech abuse include:
- Sending threatening or harassing messages via text or social media.
- Sharing of private information without permission.
- The misuse of tracking devices or spyware.
- The sharing of intimate images or videos of an individual without their consent. The perpetrator is often an ex-partner or someone known to the victim. This can involve the distribution of such content online, or through social media. The intent is to harm, embarrass, or intimidate the individual depicted in the images.
Litigation abuse
Litigation abuse is often seen in divorce and family law disputes. It is the misuse or manipulation of legal proceedings to maintain power and control over their victim This can include causing delays, unnecessary legal actions, not engaging, or being obstructive. The aim is to cause emotional harm and financial strain.
From April 2024, changes to Family Procedure rules will mean that any person failing to engage in non-court dispute resolution without good reason could lead to them being ordered to pay the other party’s costs.
Post separation abuse
Post separation abuse refers to abuse that continues after a relationship has ended. It can occur in co-parenting situations where one parent uses tactics to control, manipulate, or intimidate the other parent.
It can also involve psychological, financial, legal, and even physical abuse. The aim of the abuser is to make it difficult for the victim to move on and rebuild their life.
What is harassment in post separation abuse?
Harassment after separation refers to the continued efforts by an abuser to control, intimidate or distress their former partner after a relationship has ended. Forms of harassment can include:
- Excessive communication where the abuser may bombard the victim with numerous emails, phone calls, and messages that are abusive in nature.
- The abuser might also stalk or monitor the victim using social media, online communication tools, or spyware.
- The abuser may misuse court proceedings to harass, intimidate, and exhaust the financial and emotional resources of the victim. This can involve making false allegations, breaching court orders, or not cooperating.
- Another form of harassment is by using social media, emails, text messages, private information or intimate images to intimidate or embarrass the victim.