According to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale – which measures the stress of different life events – divorce and separation comes in second as the most stressful life experience a person can go through, after the death of a spouse. Many stressful decisions need to be made when ending a relationship or marriage – some of which will impact you for the rest of your life. It can be tough to make level-headed decisions when you are overwhelmed by uncertainty, worry, frustration, anger, or fear. That’s where divorce coaching comes in. A Divorce Coach can help and support you walk the path of a relationship breakdown.
What is Divorce Coaching?
Divorce coaching is a flexible, future-oriented process that is meant to support, motivate, and guide people through a separation or divorce. A divorce coach’s role is to problem solve and help their client move forward in a positive way.
A Divorce Coach is like having your own personal Project Manager who will be by your side as you go through the difficult project of separation or divorce.
Divorce coaching is not therapy, or anything clinical in nature. No diagnosis is made, and it is not based on a medical diagnosis either. Divorce coaching UK does not dig deep into your past or into any psychological or underlying issues that surround the divorce.
What does a Divorce Coach do?
Like a coach for a sports team, divorce coaches don’t do the work for you. Instead, they motivate and arm you with the knowledge, communication and negotiations skills, and strategies to help you handle and navigate the varied challenges of separation and divorce. They can provide a wide range of emotional, organizational, motivational and support assistance that a person needs as they go through a relationship breakdown.
A good Divorce Coach will help to increase collaboration with your ex and decrease conflict so you can achieve an amicable divorce or separation.
When should I use a Divorce Coach?
Some people are well equipped to handle the rigours of divorce on their own. Others think they can handle the emotional roller coaster, only to decide later that they are finding it tough going and need support. A Divorce Coach can become involved at any stage before, during, or after a separation or divorce.
There are several key indicators to help you decide whether a Divorce Coach and divorce coaching is appropriate for you:
- Are you feeling overwhelmed?
- Are you in a state of fear more often than not?
- Are you confused or unsure about the process of separation or divorce?
- Do you have trouble making decisions?
- Are you uncertain about your future?
- Are you angry and looking for revenge against your ex?
- Does the legal system intimidate you?
- Do you need someone to bounce ideas off when it comes to emotional, children or financial issues?
How can a Divorce Coach help you?
Using a Divorce Coach can provide numerous benefits during the separation or divorce process. These include:
- Advising you on how to minimize conflict. An experienced coach can teach you coping skills and emotional regulation so that your split can stay as amicable as possible.
- Helping you picture your post separation/divorce life.
- A Divorce Coach can provide structure and help you identify first steps.
- Help you build the ability and confidence to manage all the processes and stages involved in separation or divorce.
- Help you develop self-awareness, confidence, and resilience.
- Help you engage with your lawyers in a more cost-effective and efficient way. This can be done by providing you with information and guidance as to what documents to prepare and the details to collect.
- Provide you with a safe space where you will be able to have an open and honest discussion about specific issues that are bothering you.
- Provide you with clarity about your priorities, values, and goals.
- Asks you the right questions and helps you to find the solutions.
- Provide feedback, good and bad, for your specific issues.
- Listen to complaints about your ex and provide tips on how best to respond to triggers to ensure a better outcome.
- Provide you with emotional support when they are not willing to share that burden with family or friends.
- Help you navigate life after divorce and achieve your goals following this life-changing event.
Can I use a Divorce Coach instead of a Lawyer?
A Divorce Coach is not the same as a Divorce Lawyer. While a Lawyer focuses on the legal aspects of the divorce or dissolution process, a Divorce Coach focuses on the emotional and practical side of the process. A Coach is not a substitute for a Lawyer, and vice versa.
A Divorce Coach’s role is to support and compliment the Lawyer’s work, add value, and bring a set of skills that the family lawyer does not have.
A Lawyer’s involvement typically ends once the divorce and associated financial matters are finalized. In contrast, a Divorce Coach can provide support throughout the entire process, from the initial contemplation of divorce to post-divorce adjustment.
Is relationship counselling the same as Divorce Coaching?
No, they are two completely different things.
Couples go to relationship counselling when they are dealing with problems and issues in their relationship and want to seek help. They still want the relationship to work and are prepared to work together to resolve the issue(s).
Relationship counselling can be effective in helping a relationship heal.
Divorce coaching is at the opposite end of the spectrum and occurs once a person or a couple have decided to end their relationship. It can begin pre-divorce and continue post-divorce.
Are there any risks with Divorce Coaching?
As is sometimes the case with Lawyers who wish to protect their client’s best interests, a Divorce Coach may sometimes cause their client to take a positional stance in encouraging what is best for their client. A good Divorce Coach will always take a holistic approach and make the process of divorce or separation less painful and less contentious for all concerned.
Another problem with divorce coaching is that the profession is unregulated and, consequently, open to abuse from people who are not qualified or specialised in divorce and family law. Divorce coaching is not life coaching, it is a specialised form of coaching. It is not enough to simply have undergone your own divorce experience to become a Divorce Coach. It requires a deep understanding of family law and the divorce process. It is therefore important to do your homework and engage a coach who is qualified and has done comprehensive training with a respected body.
Our suggestion is to instruct someone from one of the following coaching professional bodies:
- Association for Coaching (AC)
- International Coaching Federation (ICF)
- European Mentoring and Coaching Confederation (EMCC)
These professional bodies are all dedicated to promoting best practice and raising the awareness and standards of coaching worldwide.
Also have a look at this article from Metro UK, Sex, lies and heartbreak: Secrets of a divorce coach