Co-parenting styles and strategies

Co-parenting after a separation or divorce can be challenging, but there are three main co-parenting styles and strategies that divorced or separated parents typically can adopt to make co-parenting work.

What is co-parenting?

Cooperative co-parenting is an arrangement where parents work together and play an active role in raising their child, after their relationship has ended. Cooperative co-parenting involves shared decision-making, shared time, and active involvement in child arrangements and the child’s upbringing.

Tips for successful co-parenting include:

• Always putting the child first by prioritising the child’s best interests in all decisions.
• Setting aside past disagreements, personal differences, and conflicts.
• Respecting and valuing your ex as a parent.
• Supporting and encouraging your child’s relationship with their other parent and extended family.
• Being prepared to be flexible and to compromise. For example, offering your ex extra time on special occasions like birthdays and celebration days.
• Treating each other with kindness and civility.
• Speaking positively about the other parent in front of the child.
• Effective communication.
• Mutual cooperation.

The aim of co-parenting should be the child’s happiness, stability, and future well-being.

Parallel parenting

Parallel parenting is where divorced or separated parents operate independently with minimal communication and interaction, and focus solely on the child’s needs. It is usually adopted where parents have difficulty communicating and cooperating with each other.

Unlike cooperative co-parenting, where parents work together; parallel parents have limited direct contact with each other to reduce conflict. Parallel parenting involves creating detailed plans, and communicating by email or text to limit interaction with the other parallel parent.

Parallel parenting with a narcissist

Parallel parenting is as an effective approach when co-parenting with a narcissist. By acting as parallel parents there are limited opportunities for the narcissistic parent to manipulate or control situations.

Parallel parenting is helpful as it:

• Minimises direct communication, reducing chances for conflict and disputes.
• Creates clearer boundaries and structure.
• Limits the narcissist’s ability to exert control or engage in post-separation abuse.
• Provides a calmer, more stable environment for the child.

What are the rules of parallel parenting?

1. Ensure that any agreements reached are documented in writing.
2. Be specific in your agreements to avoid misunderstandings. Clearly outline details like times, locations for exchanges, and communication methods.
3. Plan changeovers, ideally at neutral locations like schools or public spaces, to prevent conflicts and ensure smooth transitions for the children.
4. Establish clear rules for communication, such as using specific platforms like email, text messages, or co-parenting apps to reduce confusion and disagreements.
5. Keep school-related interactions separate, including attending events or parent-teacher meetings at different times to avoid conflicts.
6. Maintain a child-centred approach, ensuring that all decisions and interactions prioritise the well-being and best interests of the children.
7. Develop a comprehensive parenting plan that covers all aspects of co-parenting.

What should a parenting plan include?

 Every parenting plan will be different according to the family situation and needs. An effective parenting plan should include the following key components:

• Details of living and visiting arrangements. A plan should specify where and who the child lives with, and details of the time a child will spend with each parent.
• A plan should specify how big decisions concerning the child will be made. These can include which school the child will attend, medical matters and religion.
• A plan should include rules for communicating with the other parent and child, and how important information will be shared.
• A plan should record financial matters such as agreements as to the payment of child maintenance and other expenses.
• A plan should specify the amount of notice that should be given when booking a holiday, and also how childcare responsibilities will be shared and managed during term breaks?
• Agreements concerning the introduction of new partners, and the involvement of extended family members such as grandparents and extended family.
• Arrangements for special occasions such as birthdays, and other significant events.

Yellow Rock

Yellow rocking is a helpful strategy for parallel parenting. It is a more polite, cooperative, and courteous style of the “grey rock” method explained below. The key difference is that yellow rocking uses a friendly yet distant tone, while still maintaining firm boundaries, in order to protect yourself. The aim is to avoid being drawn into conflict with the other parent, while also presenting yourself in a reasonable and positive light.

Tips for successful yellow rocking include:

• Staying composed and calm – Avoid emotional reactions, even when the narcissist or high-conflict individual tries to provoke you.
• Be polite and agreeable – Use phrases like “that’s okay”, “I think we’ll have to agree to disagree”.
• Validate their concerns, offer alternatives, and keep the conversation productive rather than reactive.
• Protect your boundaries – If the narcissist tries to cross your boundaries, politely but firmly refuse their requests.
• Keep your responses short, polite, and focused on the facts.

Counter parenting

Counter parenting is a form of conflicted parenting. A counter parent refers to a parent who deliberately undermines and manipulates the other parent’s parenting style in an attempt to maintain dominance. They prioritise their own needs over the well-being of their child.

Counter parenting is often carried out by narcissistic individuals who hold animosity following the end of a relationship, and is used to maintain control over their family by intentionally working against the other parent to undermine how a child is raised. This behaviour is not motivated for the child’s well-being, but by a desire to spite the other parent. Examples of counter parenting used by the counter parent include:

• Letting the child do things the other parent does not allow.
• Badmouthing the other parent.
• Blaming the other parent for issues.
• Preventing communication between the child and the other parent.
• Encouraging bad behaviour.
• Disobeying court orders.

A counter parent can be managed by adopting the following strategies:

Expect their behaviour and be the emotionally healthy parent. Don’t try to “win” against the counter parent. Instead, focus on your child’s needs, and maintain your composure.

Do not engage with the counter parent. Keep your distance and avoid conflict.

Adopt parallel parenting rather than co-parenting by establishing clear boundaries and limited communication.

Document everything in writing – Avoid phone calls or in-person meetings where the counter-parent may try to manipulate the situation.

Use co-parenting apps to track schedules, and agreements. This holds the counter parent accountable, and provides proof if you need to go to court.

Are there parenting and coparenting apps?

There are various parenting and co-parenting apps and software tools designed to help separated or divorced parents in managing their parenting responsibilities efficiently. These apps can be used on your computer or mobile phone, and provide a neutral platform for communication and organisation through a calendar that everyone involved has access to. The aim of the app is to reduce conflict and ensure child-focused discussions.

Apps can be used to keep a record of conversations, track and share expenses, coordinate important dates and events with the shared calendar, store important documents and allows parents to communicate securely via the messaging service.

Popular apps include Our Family Wizard, AppClose, Cozi , Talking Parents and 2Houses. Each app offers various features and pricing to suit your particular needs.

The Grey Rock method

For many using the Grey Rock method is helpful when dealing with the narcissist in a conflicted co-parenting situation. The strategy involves being calm, neutral, and matter of fact in all interactions with the toxic or difficult co-parent. The aim is to minimise conflict and reduce the toxic person’s ability to manipulate or emotionally abuse the other parent. Some practical tips for adopting the grey rock method in conflicted co-parenting include:

When communicating face to face with your ex respond with short and vague answers. Remain calm and neutral, even if your ex is being provocative.

Keep all important communications in writing whenever possible, such as text, email, or a co-parenting app.

Try to limit communication with your ex to only what is needed for practical matters related to your child.

Focus on making decisions that are in the best interest of your child.

Avoid conflict and don’t get drawn into a debate. Keep your interactions as boring and non-stimulating as possible.